o l d f r i e n d s = n e w f r i e n d s .

thursday was my friend ryan's birthday. i hadn't hung out with that crew of kids in a really long time. i was a really nice change of pace. i forgot how much i liked hanging out at their house and just shooting the shit drinking brew masters. it was like all the kids i love were there. i even made some new friends that i'm excited to start hanging out with pronto. i got to talk photography and art and the east coast. three things i LOVE. it makes me want to start taking pictures again and get my shit in gear and start creating. i've become such a lazy bum since i moved here. i need to get a negative scanner and make it happen. i think i need to be around others that are taking photos to make me do it. when i was in school you couldn't pry the camera out of my hand, now it seems like i never pick it up. the lighting is perfect these summer evenings for sitting on the porch and drinking and taking photos.

it's a summer goal. photograph everything!

this song kills me.
-------
death cab - i will possess your heart

how i wish you could see the potential,
the potential of you and me.
it's like a book elegantly bound but,
in a language that you can't read. just yet.

you gotta spend some time, love.
you gotta spend some time with me.
and i know that you'll find, love
i will possess your heart.
you gotta spend some time, love.
you gotta spend some time with me.
and i know that you'll find, love
i will possess your heart.

there are days when outside your window
i see my reflection as i slowly pass,
and i long for this mirrored perspective
when we'll be lovers, lovers at last.

you gotta spend some time, love.
you gotta spend some time with me.
and i know that you'll find, love
i will possess your heart.
you gotta spend some time, love.
you gotta spend some time with me.
and i know that you'll find, love
i will possess your heart.
i will possess your heart.
i will possess your heart.

you reject my... advances... and desperately...
i won't let you... let me down... so easily. so easily.

you gotta spend some time, love.
you gotta spend some time with me.
and i know that you'll find, love
i will possess your heart.
you gotta spend some time, love.
you gotta spend some time with me.
and i know that you'll find, love
i will possess your heart.
you gotta spend some time, love.
you gotta spend some time with me.
and i know that you'll find, love
i will possess your heart.
i will possess your heart.
i will possess your heart.

b l a h .

i hate this. i had a few good days and now i'm back here again. sadly, i think a boy is the root of this issue, and that pisses me off.

maybe the springs will make me happy tomorrow.

c h e r r y b o m b .

spoon has a new video for "you got your cherry bomb" and i met the kid that made it this year at sxsw. it's awesome! just imagine cutting out all those little pieces of paper and photographing every scene. it's nuts!

you got yr. cherry bomb

i'm in this funk i just can't shake. i don't know the root of the problem, and that kills me. i'm usually good at identifying my issues and working through them to the best of my ability. i don't want to be this moody mess of avan. i want to be avan, normal happy smiley avan. where did she go? how did i lose her along the way? is it the job? are the tarrytowners eating away at my soul? do i need a vacation? do i need to drink more to numb the pain? what is the answer?

last night, my new neighbor told me my cat, salad, was cute. she is four. it warmed my heart. her and her brother were sitting on the porch playing with a broom and started asking me all kinds of questions. living on the east side makes my heart smile. you get culture, different kinds of people. materialism doesn't follow me home to that part of town, and i like that aspect. i miss costa rica where all walks of life just appreciate being alive and are happy to just sit on their porch at the end of the day and chat with the neighbors. they don't have any other worries. they are in the moment. where did my moment go? i have to find it and reclaim it.

like christopher mccandless said, "the core of mans' spirit comes from new experiences," i need to go find some new experiences. right now, i feel a bit trapped, locked in, tied down. none of these things are true, but for some reason i feel like they are.

i'm not doing anything at all, yet i know he is interested. it's frustrating as hell. at a certain point, i'm just going to get sick of waiting. fuck!

all i want to do is grab him and kiss him and be like 'seriously, come on! let's make this happen!'

instead, i'll just keep waiting and try not the be that girl that broke some other girl's heart by stealing her dude. fuck!

c h a n g e .

life is in a big state of flux. i'm not sure if i like it or hate it. i'm moving to the east side this month. i'm really nervous to sleep there alone. i wish i had someone i was close to that could come stay with me until i felt comfortable. it's always strange sleeping in a new house.

i'm frustrated also. boys make me crazy. i swear there is some flashing light above my head right now that i just can't see. i'm so confused. i'm just going to ride it out. it's going to happen. i'm just going to keep saying that to myself. wait out for the one you really like. it'll be worth it in the end. i know it.

guh! i want to write everything i really want to say, but i have no idea who reads this damned thing, so i'm scared. i'm just going to keep my mouth shut.