s c a r e d .

i am sad. i am lonely. i am freaking out. how the hell did this happen to me? how am i going to pay my bills this month? fuck. this is what has been running through my head on repeat this week. i can't shake it. i can't pull myself up. i can't do anything that i haven't already done. i've applied for everything. the stress is building and part of me wants to hit the eject button, but i know that i am stronger than that. if this is what it means to be an adult, i hate it. i want to run home and cry on my mother's couch and somehow that will make everything alright. i can't fight off this urge to cry everyday. but, i know that tears aren't going to change anything.

i hate this year. this year has sucked in so many ways. it has been as hard as when i first moved here. i wish i could take off to costa rica again, hike a huge hill and cry and see the light at the end of the tunnel. i guess this is my quarter-life crisis. what the fuck am i doing? i feel like i talk in circles about my situation and nothing is helping. i really wish i could find exactly what i am looking for, but there are so many things that i want to do. i can't focus on one long enough to make any headway towards an ending goal. i just know that i want to make a difference, and that i would love for art to be the force that drives that difference. maybe teaching art, maybe art therapy. art is my comfort zone, it's where i thrive, where i draw my energy from and i want to be able to transfer that onto others. how do i do that? does that mean that i have to go back to school? do i have to get a master's? i am the only one that can answer these questions. and the uncertainty of everything scares the crap out of me.

"i wanna nog your egg."

The Colbert ReportMon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

A Colbert Christmas: John Legend

Colbert at Christmas
Colbert Christmas DVD

Green Screen
Bill O'Reilly Interview

s w o o n .

i am in love with this man's style.



kanye, don't ever change.

r a n d o m .

random thoughts about today.

-sometimes i let in bugs just to keep my cat occupied.
-i baked banana bread this morning, only to realize i forgot to buy tinfoil at the grocery.
-i am going to create x-mas postcards this year instead of buying cards.
-i love taking baths.
-i'm excited that tomorrow is thanksgiving. gobble gobble.
-i'm scared to ask my father for money.
-why am i still unemployed?
-earl grey tea is the best thing ever. can i call it a comfort food?
-i hate how i find inspiration to create, then never actual make my ideas happen.
-secretly, i love folding laundry, but i hate to vacuum.
-i heart "alt-country," bluegrass, and honky-tonk. it makes me feel safe.

d e a d .

power adapter number two for my powerbook g4 died today. i pray to go they still make them. i really can't afford to buy a new mac.

my fingers are crossed.

w h i s t l e .

i just bought a single ticket to andrew bird and got a great seat! i'm excited!!

p o r c h .

i spend a lot of time on my porch these days. salad and i bathe in the sunshine and curl up in warm sweaters in the evenings. the weather is quite lovely. i would even call it perfect. cool at night and high 60s to 70s during the day. i drink tea, i read, i spend too much time on the internet. job hunting is exhausting. i'm ready for some replies. i'm ready for some interviews. i'm ready to work. i'm not cut out for this in between.

lately, distraction has gotten the better of me. last week going out was my downfall. i spent too many dollars on liquid that made me feel like death warmed over. friday was rough. cataloging submissions at sxsw would seem like a cake walk, but when you can't get past nausea it's a difficult task. the more free time i have to spend thinking about my life, makes me think i'm less qualified and capable than i really am. applying jobs can make you feel like less of a person when no one responds. also, i've called everyone in my phone to hang out. i didn't realize how much i needed social interaction. when you have spent the last three years of your life providing face to face customer service, you grow accustom to being with people all the time. i'm starting to hate my alone time. i'm starting to realize how lonely i really am. however, making some new friends has helped.

today, i have found a new love. ray lamontagne. i knew of his greatest but never fully explored it. all i have to say is swoon.

a w e s o m e .

i just linked to this site through someone's flickr. this is awesome!

the photographic dictionary

you have to check it out!

e g g l e s t o n .

william eggleston.

i think i found some new inspiration.

i want to turn this image into a sketch and use it as the face of calliope tricycle designs. now, i just have to make it happen. being unemployed gives me plenty of time. i have to start my art/craft dream sometime.

nytimes - op-ed

it still felt good the morning after

i love this opinion piece!

yes, we can...

...and we did!


photo credit - michael macor, san francisco chronicle

f u n .

i have been thinking up cheap ways to have fun and i have compiled a list of the things i would like to do. here goes:

-canoe on town lake.
-peter pan mini-golf after 9 (for the byob).
-breakfast tacos at taco deli then hiking barton creek greenbelt.
-frisbee at zilker.
-toss mini plastic skeleton men with parachutes from high places.
-drink beers on the porch/backyard party!
-board game night.
-coffee and crossword puzzles.
-photo adventures exploring austin.
-cooking/dinner parties.
-monday night bowling at dart bowl.

to be continued.