i'm in this funk i just can't shake. i don't know the root of the problem, and that kills me. i'm usually good at identifying my issues and working through them to the best of my ability. i don't want to be this moody mess of avan. i want to be avan, normal happy smiley avan. where did she go? how did i lose her along the way? is it the job? are the tarrytowners eating away at my soul? do i need a vacation? do i need to drink more to numb the pain? what is the answer?

last night, my new neighbor told me my cat, salad, was cute. she is four. it warmed my heart. her and her brother were sitting on the porch playing with a broom and started asking me all kinds of questions. living on the east side makes my heart smile. you get culture, different kinds of people. materialism doesn't follow me home to that part of town, and i like that aspect. i miss costa rica where all walks of life just appreciate being alive and are happy to just sit on their porch at the end of the day and chat with the neighbors. they don't have any other worries. they are in the moment. where did my moment go? i have to find it and reclaim it.

like christopher mccandless said, "the core of mans' spirit comes from new experiences," i need to go find some new experiences. right now, i feel a bit trapped, locked in, tied down. none of these things are true, but for some reason i feel like they are.