s c a r e d .

i am sad. i am lonely. i am freaking out. how the hell did this happen to me? how am i going to pay my bills this month? fuck. this is what has been running through my head on repeat this week. i can't shake it. i can't pull myself up. i can't do anything that i haven't already done. i've applied for everything. the stress is building and part of me wants to hit the eject button, but i know that i am stronger than that. if this is what it means to be an adult, i hate it. i want to run home and cry on my mother's couch and somehow that will make everything alright. i can't fight off this urge to cry everyday. but, i know that tears aren't going to change anything.

i hate this year. this year has sucked in so many ways. it has been as hard as when i first moved here. i wish i could take off to costa rica again, hike a huge hill and cry and see the light at the end of the tunnel. i guess this is my quarter-life crisis. what the fuck am i doing? i feel like i talk in circles about my situation and nothing is helping. i really wish i could find exactly what i am looking for, but there are so many things that i want to do. i can't focus on one long enough to make any headway towards an ending goal. i just know that i want to make a difference, and that i would love for art to be the force that drives that difference. maybe teaching art, maybe art therapy. art is my comfort zone, it's where i thrive, where i draw my energy from and i want to be able to transfer that onto others. how do i do that? does that mean that i have to go back to school? do i have to get a master's? i am the only one that can answer these questions. and the uncertainty of everything scares the crap out of me.